It is Not Length of Life, But Depth of Life - Emerson

I just finished an hour hike through our neighborhoods, so I'm tired and should be eating something but I'm grabbing a quick glass of water and one of soy chocolate milk, instead. I wanted to get some musings on paper before they leave me.

Even family members ask themselves why would Ken be walking for an hour over western PA's hilly terrain. I would answer them today by saying that it's for my health, not just my physical body, but my soul's health. In past years, I've been a runner. In my younger days, I've run 5 or more miles and was surprised to find that during those lonely periods that my mind seemed to be quicker and somehow taping into a different part of my brain because of the interesting connections and observations that I was making. Books and articles have been written about this change in consciousness, and some have called it "Runner's High", possible being produced by chemicals released during exercise. This change of consciousness was so addicting, that I experienced withdrawal symptoms when I wasn't able to run and it was a strong motivation for me to return to running after getting on a medication that has controlled my arrhythmia and allowed me to get back to exercising. My wonderful discover has been that I get the same expanded consciousness by walking or hiking on neighborhood streets that I don't get on the treadmill at the YMCA.

During today's walk, I found words to explain why the first episode of Laura Linney's new show, The Big C, meant so much to me. When I was first diagnosed with the heart arrhythmia, I went through an initiation of sorts. Instead of seening happy celebrating people wavying at loved ones on those early morning news shows, I saw people who are going to die, like me. It's the elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. All of a sudden I was taking medication that was making me more and more lethargic and increased my life long tendency to put on weight and of course, my chance of dying. After several years of trying different drugs in ever increasing dosages, I finally changed doctors and found one with a different set of meds in his tool box, one of which allows me to get back to a more normal life.

So just as Laura Linney's character, is allowing herself to try things that she has never done before; telling a student, the tough truth or spilling the wine herself on the sofa, I want to live my life, somehow in a "deeper" way, and try to discover what that means. I have a plaque on my mantle. It's by Ralph Waldo Emerson and says, "It is not length of life but Depth of life". Another writing informs this exploration, too; I remember, perhaps Thoreau said it, "most men get to the end and find they have never really lived". Please let me know if you have the actual quote and author.

I'm really grateful that the new heart doctor has allowed me to escape, for now, from the valley of the shadow of death. With the help of my wife, swingdancer Donna, I've been able to loose 30 plus pounds and take 6 1/2 inches off my waste. I want to live my life, remembering how precious each moment is, discover each day, how to live more deeply.

Namaste